Tavistock Diaries: There's a danger with loving somebody too much

If it makes more sense, I'll move out of this sad, sorry whirlpool i've all of a sudden found myself in.
SURELY, no one else can possibly get herself into this much trouble. seriously!

Recently i've been discovering so many things about myself. About mind over matter, listening to yourself, REALLY listening. when you need to.Sometimes we wake up to days that make you feel so alive that even if a handful of monkeys were to periodically throw poop at your hair, you'd giggle and go "oh, monkeys. stop that"

Some days though, you wake up in a mad hot mess,
so terrible that if said monkeys were around, the look on your face alone would render those monkeys unable.

I let my boss get to me so bad this week you see..
I found myself tearing up in front of my laptop and not being able to breathe and seriously. mini-panic-attack-moment was sure to follow..
I felt it.
It was such. a. horrible. day. honestly.

I allowed myself to be absolutely BEATEN UP in the head by my boss, by my mum, and every other power that is.
I allowed myself to believe that i might as well LAUGH at myself right now for even believing i could ever study psychology.
I allowed myself to let everyone else break me down to a point i could not remember why i am doing what i do, why i'm working so hard, why i put up with so much, for barely anything in return.
I allowed friends to make me feel small.

I let myself forget everything that day.
I went home, i cried. i turned off my phone, i refused to speak to anyone. anyone.

Lately i've been so caught up with being buggered down, i ignore even the most obvious signs from.. higher powers telling me to JUST BREATHE!
If only someone had told me then, that 3 days forward? Everything i cried about would not even matter half as much as it did that day.

The mind is such a strange thing, isn't it?
You can, at anytime, choose to dwell on your misery, let your tears overcome everything you've accomplished up to here.
and allow yourself to lose yourself like i did..

Somehow that is not an option anymore, not for the person i've seen myself become since that day.
Right now, I cant imagine getting as upset as i did that day, over the things i did. What was the point? I've forgotten..

Yesterday, on ALL counts, was even worse. I was pissed over the same things, amplified by about ten.
What i did about it instead? this time? I took a whole heap of a breath.
THAT IS WHAT I DID.
I took a whale breath. I looked at some pretty pictures online. I even browsed through Perez.

You cant do a damn thing about the sour lemons life hands you, what you can do is breathe. and react.

There are a million things that unsettle me every day.
I hate seeing tags sticking out of clothes. I hate tags that are located at the front of peoples clothes.
I hate seeing secondary school girls tie their hair REALLY TIGHT.
I hate a half button on a shirt poking out of the slit the button's supposed to go into, threatening to REVEAL at any given moment.

And that's just clothes.

But i'm not gonna walk up to you and correct your clothes.
It is NOT MY BUSINESS TO FIX OTHER PEOPLE.
It is not my business to make other peoples problems my own.
and i do it so often, too often.

yesterday i spent 8 hours. 8 hours working in a mosquito infected staff meal area. next to the dusbins.
A monkey came to visit the dustbins. I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING.