There's no straight road

Wish I could put into words the thoughts I've been feeling lately.
Its all a blur really.
Sadness and pain... Happiness and gratitude.

I'm lucky I have school.. I'm lucky I've been able to stay focused and I've been doing well there..
I'm sad because I'm still waiting and hoping for other things to come back.

Being back in school and forcing myself to never lose my way.. I've learnt a fair few things..
It's good that I'm trying my hardest to understand things.. To understand the circumstances.. It's hard but its a battle I fight every day.
Not to question god or life and why it all has to be like this.
Why can't it be simpler.. Or better.

I find comfort in sitting and having a beer or two.
I think about you. And what you're doing and what you're thinking.
Mostly what you're thinking.
How happy you are, or lonely.
I think about your life and my impact on it.. Whether I made one at all.
I made a mess of a good thing.
Therefore there's no one left to blame
I wish it were different.. Back then.
Could have done things very different.

this too shall pass

they always tell you to get out, it's not supposed to be this hard

it is never supposed to be easy either.

then what? half-way?

you always said you would be permanent.

or is it something that's just said.

always.

i have a problem letting go for good.

i have a problem being aloof

when i need to be.

just let go. let it happen.

bad or good.

i shared my fears at the beginning

you said my fears were nowhere found in you

you promised to never give up

bad or good.

you head is so far away now

you're not the person i knew before

you are no longer kind.

look me in the eye and tell me the truths you always claim are untrue

the ones that constantly stream from your lips.

to push me away

i have fought a fight that i constantly lose but have always kept fighting

my bones are weak. my heart is so fucking heavy.

i am so tired of this. i dont want to waste another day.

i went to a beautiful wedding today.

it was so simple. classic.

they cried saying their vows.

they've been together for 9 years.

professing to the world, a lifetime more.

and after fighting to keep you for so long,

i realized that if i ever want anything resembling that kind of love

neither of us should be here.

stop, think. then you'll know.