As its been known, i've been a little down lately, what with all the unfortunate things that have been happening to and around me and the people i love. I wanted to compose a list, another list, i guess to remind me of why i'm alive and the things that i do have to be thankful for, big and small and in-between all included.

- the friends i have and the fact that Healing-at-Tavistock Park is always an option.

- mum, who never once in the past few weeks that i've been mopey and miserable, pushed to find out what's going on, but has been waiting patiently for me to be ready to talk about it.

- the cupcakes we always have stocked in the fridge cause the bright colors and kiddy themes no matter what, always manage to make me smile and squeal like a girl again.

- the fact that Reese's peanut butter cups are still selling in Singapore.

- That i have a room of my own, privacy to cry and to write and to sing and to guitar and to mope. and to regenerate.

- Even though i dont use it as often as i should, speed dial to a list of very awesome people who'd be there in a sec when it came down to the wire.

- The little boy i saw at the airport today cause he was the first to make me laugh at nothing in a long time.

I'm alive and able to love and i do, with all my heart sometimes and i guess that means there's hope for me yet. I just wish hope's easier to find sometimes and that it wasnt so few and far-between.

My brother left for Australia again today. I suppose it's gotten easier to watch him leave now then it was 5 years ago, i just cant wait for the day he comes back and we dont have to spend time on a limit anymore. Once again i'm gonna be down for at least a few more days until it sinks in. I suppose i should be happy he got to come home at all, for Christmas and New Years and my birthday.

Fingers crossed life gets better in abit.

At midnight on the 1/1/11, i was sitting on my front porch with my sister waiting for mum to come downstairs from her shower. We both didnt have the time and the tv wasnt on either. So we only knew it was 12 when we heard the undertones of fireworks. we got to see them a little bit too, from above some of the tallest houses in gardens. maybe a cm or two's worth of fireworks.

My father went to sleep at 9.30pm. my brother was so sick he could barely come out of sleep the entire day. Brother number 2 took the smart route you could say and made plans with his friends cause a little over 11 plus, they were all outside my house cause he needed to get something from inside. It looked like they were planning something alot more fun then my family bothered to. I guess your friends really do turn into your family if they stick around long enough..

At dinner i asked my mother what my grandma was doing, only to hear that nothing was planned and she'd be home at 12. on her own. and that just wouldnt fly. I spend a good 2 hours convincing her that it would all work out if she drove me and sister over to grandma's have a few drinks and play a few games, and let her decide if she wanted to come home to countdown with us. mum insisted that we had to be home at 12, "what if daddy wakes up?"

he didnt. kevin didnt. pat went out before 12. there was no countdown in the Paran house. There was no screaming. There was no confetti and there was no fun.

There was mum, barbara and i, acknowledging the fact that 2011 has creeped up on us all,

and for me, unwelcome completely.