I'd just like to know.

I dont mind where you're coming from, or how you've made your way here

But you're not noticing the things you need to.

Please stop.

So I stay

I love how you challenge me.

I admire so much, your innate ability to always, always reach your potential and aim higher after you do.

I'm so proud of how responsible you are. I'm so happy you know what you want in life.

and you're not afraid of the crap that you know you will definitely have to endure to reach that special place.

You dont bitch, and you never whine. You never complain, you ask for more.

You are more.

I love how you already know all this.

I like how from miles away, i know the thousand untyped words you mean to say, that you dont.

And that you know i have untyped words too. millions.

As we talk about his run, i imagine him running it. Sweat rolling down the side of his face, his shirt clings to his back and he's pushing himself again. He can always go farther, faster.

He sets a goal, reaches it, then sets a higher one.

He does not stop.

There are a million people i could try to picture.

You know like how before you sleep, you try to pick out what you want to dream about?

like if you wish hard enough, your dream might actually be what you want it to be?

I could try to picture a million others..

You challenge me with the way you live, and the values you keep.

The responsibility you oblige to keep. You challenge me, without saying a word.

Dear God

I'm so thankful for the past couple of weeks.

It's so easy to let yourself get bogged down by all the small things so determined to bring you down.

It's so easy to allow seemingly unattainable goals help you fall into a pit of self pity.

I'm so thankful that i prayed for strength during a really dark time.

I asked you for some hope and peace during wartime in my head.

I was exhausted, and hurt and angry that everything was going wrong, i was confused about the future and everything i wanted up to here. And like everything else, you heard and unlike so many others, actually listened.

Thank you for letting me feel sorry for myself, for hitting bottom cause it made me realize that it got me nowhere, really fast.

I'm so thankful for my work. For the job i've had for the longest time i've ever had one.

For how it challenges me and frustrates me, for how it makes me wanna give up

and makes me wanna do better all at the same time.

I'm so thankful for the people i've met here, the friendships i've forged.

I'm so thankful for the key around my neck, for the freedom and support my family showers me with, every day. I know i bitch and i whine and i rant about them, but we are solid as a rock. and i know there are millions who have not been so lucky.

I'm so thankful for music. It lifts me and helps me, every single day of my life.

The power that comes with listening to a song and letting it move you to tears, or giggle in the bus all alone, or kick off your shoes and dance around the office is nothing if not god-like.

I'm so thankful for the words i manage to write. for being able to express anything i need to articulate in a sentence or two. For reading a phrase and letting the words form a mountain of thought so deep it brings tears to my eyes.

I write because there is a voice that will not be still, no matter how silent.

I am so thankful for words.

Thanks.

Tess

This is how i met him by accident, on a night we always planned. I had never known his smile would stay so long.

I pick up my guitar, i try to form the words that would lead me to thoughts of you.

I don't get very far

cause it's been hazy. It's been me,

dealing with trying to remember you.

As the story goes,

we had to read a few books,

learn a few lessons, write some of our own stories to get here.

You tipped your hat and the match was struck

Light.

Dont forget the voice you use when you call me at night.

Before you roll those pretty eyes to bed.

Dont regret the time you're taking,

the promises you havent made yet.

He heard my heart say no more.

He will hurt you again, no more.

He was the darkest part of my day.

Took me away.

I wanna be scared the way i used to, love the things you said.

I want to breathe the air i did before you left.

I'd sail away to find you, through the storms and through the seas

I'd put a hello in a jar and make sure that it does reach, you and say

Please dont let me try to go away.

I'd tie a ribbon in a corner, i'd spell your name in red

The one i want cant even hear me,

and this time i really said, I am found

I want you to stay around

I dont see your face, and often

I dont know when you're around

But your smile lives in the corners

of my upturned tired brows

In a thousand different reasons, i could never explain in words,

your song reaches into branches of things i've never heard.

You are the unsung moment, in a song thats filled with noise.

I'd play it back and bring it to you, in a box that's already yours

TOMS

Kay,

Everytime i go to toms.com, i convulse at the thought of paying over a hundred bucks for a pair.

But honest to god, i have one pair so far, and i could eat, bathe, sleep, run, skip and mop the floors in these.

This is the Red Womens Classic in Red. This is the one i have. It's been wonderful to me so far. But it's hard to match with everything see. Tessa needs her red shoes. But i'm not allowed to wear it at work, which is uregerjcvjes.

I'm thinking of this.. kinda blah. but it'll match anything.

These are just so pretty i wanna die.

But omg. Singapore, these? nfhjecbjsebcejcm

or should i just stick with the plain ole whites?

I mean, dude. They last (even after running and jumping in puddles, which is a must for me)

they dont start stinking, they've got good friction..

im flat footed see, finding a pair of shoes that dont remind me of that constantly is a big thing. a big big thing.

Im planning to get another fairly soon. I just dont know which ones to get this time.

I do know that my collection is pretty much gonna grow every month. Im hoping to have a cupboard-full in all colors and textures and patterns someday. But for now, it's still a decision to be made.

antsy!

Have you guys been noticing the weather lately?

Seriously, its ridonk!

I dont know about you, but my hair has been a wild hot mess thanks to the weathers bipolar disorder.

WHAT DOES JESUS DO

Rain! Heat! Rain and heat! heat again! rain! drizzle!

"DANCE, MY PUPPETS. DANCE!"

So last night i did alot of this

and this...

The new Thrice album will take the rumble outta your belly and make you boogy

" You havn't told me what you want "

" I want you to stay around "

shark

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

Don't even get me started on smoking.

It is an absolutely beautiful rainy day here in the in the garden.

My boss is out for a meeting. I've got a huge room to myself,

plans to transform our storeroom into an office space for me and the Banquet team,

a very sugarless hot latte,

Bon Iver on iTunes..

+a pile of work i will get to in just a little bit, promise.

How often has anyone with a tattoo seen an aunty on the bus turn her face and pull her kid away from you? hands up!

This shouldn't even be up for debate, people. Seriously.

(I am totally excluding tattoos of vulgar words and images and hate slogans and the likes..)

I have tattoos. I have seven. Unfortunately, the issue of tattoos in the work place continues to be a contentious one.

Do you really think wearing the skirt and blouse, or that shirt and tie, makes you professional?

Society has attributed professionalism with putting on the right shoes, and the appropriate heels.

The increased popularity of any one person above 18 obtaining tattoos are becoming more and more apparent.

It still baffles me how close-minded some people still insist on being. Tattooing has a gut level of appeal, to all ages.

It's very simple, people with tattoos are not forcing you to have them. If you dont like them, dont get them.

That has nothing to do with people who dont share your thoughts on the subject.

Pipe down grandma.

Open your mind to the fact that things are changing whether you like them to or not. People with tattoos have just as much brain matter as you do, we speak the same, we need to eat and breathe and dump and love, just like you.

Ignorance should never be misconstrued as professionalism, or any form of worldliness.

I reiterate, i have seven tattoos. I read books in my spare time, i spend time with my friends, some have tattoos and some dont.

I eat, laugh, give up my seat for people on the bus, i dont scream curses in public and i smile at old people.

I got kicked once while in the bus helping a lady pick up coins she dropped, because? She thought i was stealing them from her.

Its funny really, everyone who gets tattoos knows the problems they're going to have to deal with regarding the general public and their insane aversion to these things.

Once in awhile it gets to us, but mostly, getting them probably hurt more than the looks and stares of the close-minded.

Back to work,

happy friekin monday!

There's a danger with loving somebody too much

If it makes more sense, I'll move out of this sad, sorry whirlpool i've all of a sudden found myself in.
SURELY, no one else can possibly get herself into this much trouble. seriously!

Recently i've been discovering so many things about myself. About mind over matter, listening to yourself, REALLY listening. when you need to.Sometimes we wake up to days that make you feel so alive that even if a handful of monkeys were to periodically throw poop at your hair, you'd giggle and go "oh, monkeys. stop that"

Some days though, you wake up in a mad hot mess,
so terrible that if said monkeys were around, the look on your face alone would render those monkeys unable.

I let my boss get to me so bad this week you see..
I found myself tearing up in front of my laptop and not being able to breathe and seriously. mini-panic-attack-moment was sure to follow..
I felt it.
It was such. a. horrible. day. honestly.

I allowed myself to be absolutely BEATEN UP in the head by my boss, by my mum, and every other power that is.
I allowed myself to believe that i might as well LAUGH at myself right now for even believing i could ever study psychology.
I allowed myself to let everyone else break me down to a point i could not remember why i am doing what i do, why i'm working so hard, why i put up with so much, for barely anything in return.
I allowed friends to make me feel small.

I let myself forget everything that day.
I went home, i cried. i turned off my phone, i refused to speak to anyone. anyone.

Lately i've been so caught up with being buggered down, i ignore even the most obvious signs from.. higher powers telling me to JUST BREATHE!
If only someone had told me then, that 3 days forward? Everything i cried about would not even matter half as much as it did that day.

The mind is such a strange thing, isn't it?
You can, at anytime, choose to dwell on your misery, let your tears overcome everything you've accomplished up to here.
and allow yourself to lose yourself like i did..

Somehow that is not an option anymore, not for the person i've seen myself become since that day.
Right now, I cant imagine getting as upset as i did that day, over the things i did. What was the point? I've forgotten..

Yesterday, on ALL counts, was even worse. I was pissed over the same things, amplified by about ten.
What i did about it instead? this time? I took a whole heap of a breath.
THAT IS WHAT I DID.
I took a whale breath. I looked at some pretty pictures online. I even browsed through Perez.

You cant do a damn thing about the sour lemons life hands you, what you can do is breathe. and react.

There are a million things that unsettle me every day.
I hate seeing tags sticking out of clothes. I hate tags that are located at the front of peoples clothes.
I hate seeing secondary school girls tie their hair REALLY TIGHT.
I hate a half button on a shirt poking out of the slit the button's supposed to go into, threatening to REVEAL at any given moment.

And that's just clothes.

But i'm not gonna walk up to you and correct your clothes.
It is NOT MY BUSINESS TO FIX OTHER PEOPLE.
It is not my business to make other peoples problems my own.
and i do it so often, too often.

yesterday i spent 8 hours. 8 hours working in a mosquito infected staff meal area. next to the dusbins.
A monkey came to visit the dustbins. I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING.

That's right. Monkey. Monkey on the rubbish bin. Monkey on the rubbish bin. Right beside where i was made to work yesterday.

Haha. Its funny really, i had a great day yesterday.

shark.

A thousand times over, i gave it chances until it left me weak in the knees. Are they right to say i'm only kidding myself here? Inside these lines, it seems to make sense that because it hasn't before, it won't again. But behind the lines I've seen illness and i have seen pain, it just doesn't make sense to go through it all again. We've always been an unanswered question. We filter back and forth like we're connected by a fishing line. It stays invisible most of the time, but its starting to show on my face. in your words.. And i'm..for almost the fourth time since i was 14, thinking about it again.

Life is Hard

These past couple of weeks have seen me hit a new low in my life..
I was hoping for a more upbeat, happy time to come along, and i continually told myself to wait until then. But it seems the days get longer and harder to pull through before the next one is here again.
The constant thoughts and straint see me finally getting to bed at 2am every night, waking up by 8am and dragging myself to work.
Management has changed.
My boss was the only one who'd stand up for the little guys.
The ones no one else in higher management could be bothered to stand up for.
The ones that do everything they're asked to do without complaint.
Im one of them..
This job was supposed to be the easy one, the one i could do while getting my degree. The easy admin job i could do with my eyes closed, so i could spend more time focusing on studying.
Then management changed.. and everything changed..

I suppose it's too early to tell yet, whether everything will eventually smooth over and if my job here will still be a plan i plan on sticking to.. but i guess we'll see.

Life has been very hard basically. People have been difficult, too difficult.