Le Miserable.

Dear god,
I've been trying my hardest to make sense of situations. Smiling as i'm poked and prodded. Wishing for a better life while ignoring the fact that there are worst things that could happen. I believed and trusted so much that things could change in time, but now i'm starting to think i have to make things change myself. I'm so terrified of that. I'm so terrified of change, like i've always been and i'm so scared I wont be comfortable with whatever ending turns out to be the right one. I think too much about mistakes made and having to pay for them forever..yet i still choose wrong. all the time.
Why do i keep returning to something i myself cant stand anymore?
And why do i feel like i cant live without the things that are so so bad for me?

I want so much to have the strength to fight. I'm so exhausted. I truly dont like being lied to. I wish i never know when he's lying. I wish it were never obvious. Or i wish i didnt know him as well as i do.
Waiting for the ball to drop is killing me. Work is killing me.
I feel like im going through this life not knowing a damn thing i'm doing. Just doing my time and letting it kind of take me where it wants.
If love is a choice we make, why is it that we stay when we know it's too far gone?

I'm sorry i pile on wishes and prayers all the time. I know it must suck to hear the spoilt brat crying over mini things like this all the time.I've been chasing happy and i'd really like to find it. I'm also afraid that i already have but have been too scared to embrace it or accept that my old and comfortable life will die forever if i choose to follow that path.

I love you and its Ash Wednesday so i'm gonna go to your house after work. Im gonna close my eyes real tight and really talk to you this time..it's been awhile.